Posts

My Extended Silence

I’m Baaaack!

In case you’ve been wondering, I have been on a quest. A Treasure Hunt of sorts.

Back in November, I put up my last post regarding my new business. I have been working diligently to get my website up and going, my thoughts down on paper, reorganizing everything and getting ready for the new year.

I will be blogging and posting both work and personal on a regular basis.

I have my topics ready to go, headlines are in the works and projects on the “stove top”.

I even managed to turn a bedroom into my full-blown writing room, complete with my cat Garibaldi, and my forever loyal fur buddy Redd by my side. Pictures will be forthcoming. They are all rescue animals.

I have also been dealing with a bout of depression. This Christmas was not as nice for my kids as I would have liked. But true to their nature and hopefully upbringing, they have bigger hearts than I sometimes give them credit for.

So, No, I did not fall off the earth, I did not fall into a black abyss. However, I did have a few loving friends and family that gave me the proverbial kick in the ass.

The treasure I received this giving season is the gift of family. And to them I say, thank you, for not giving up on me, for having faith in my newest endeavor, and for loving me in all my fucked up glory!

So to all of you, I wish you a very Happy New Year!

One Dollar.

First Dollar

It may seem silly.  Yes, that is a true $1 Dollar Bill.  Why am I posting it, you may ask?

Well, the answer is simple yet very complicated.

Simple Answer:  I earned it.  About 1000 of them. Writing.

Complicated Answer:  There are people out there, my “haters”, who feel they can put me down or at least try to make themselves feel better by posting negative things on social media. And that’s the lesson here, hidden, very carefully:  ONLY I CAN GIVE THEM THAT POWER.  OR CHOOSE NOT TOO.

Here’s the backstory.

A few weeks ago, after I thought what was finally enough of the “X”, I went snooping.  Big mistake.  I knew when I was typing her name that I should just stop.

“Don’t do it Christine.”

That practical, logical, nice girl sitting on my shoulder was giving me that look.  You know the one.  The look that every woman has that says, “You know I’m right!” But I found myself still typing.

And there it was.  Just a few posts down.  She found my business page.  Damn!

All it said was, “Writer’s a la Mode.  Yeah, right.  First you gotta be a writer.”

I had so many thoughts going through my head.  Most of them not nice.  In fact, down right evil.  I mean thoughts that would have gotten me thrown into jail.

I hate this woman with such a passion.  She has done so much to my life over the last 6 years.  She has known everything about me that can only be shared from someone close to me.  She knows things that only my then-husband and family would know.  And there in lies the problem.

It’s not her.

And it’s not him.

I made the mistake.  I kept him too long.  I should have kicked his ass out YEARS ago. It was me.  I was the weak one.  I was the one who couldn’t find the strength to get past all this.  I was the one who LET her have the power and control.

So last week, on Halloween, I proudly took that check to the bank, asked the very nice man behind the counter if I could cash a dollar from the check and if you could please make it a clean crisp one, that would be awesome.  He was more than happy to oblige.  He even asked if it was new enough.

So there it is.  That clean, crisp, beautiful dollar I EARNED!  As you can see, I have it pinned.  On my Vision Board.  Just one step closer to my goal.

Every day do something to get there.

“Nothing changes if nothing changes.”

Don’t let others control your attitude.

Find the strength to conquer EVERYTHING!

Find your happy.

And make every day count!

Christine

P.S.  I no longer “hate” this woman.  It’s not her fault she hasn’t found her happiness and peace yet.  She obviously has self esteem issues.  I do pray for her everyday.  Think she’ll find this blog?  Think she’ll find the strength to look for something different?  I can only pray that she does, someday.  Before it’s too late.

 

Praying by Kesha

Praying

I may not post as much as I should, or would like to, but when I do, I want it to mean something.  I want you, the reader, to be impacted.  I want you to stop in your tracks, stop what you’re doing and just breathe.  And maybe say a wow or two.

I heard this song today;  Praying by Kesha.  Go to the video here on youtube and just listen to the words.  They made an impact on me.  So much so, I created the above picture.  Please feel free to share, with everyone.

To the man that hurt me, and his (homewrecking?) girlfriend, I  am already coming out on top.  “People that try to bring you down are below you for a reason.”

What I want you to know is that no matter how much this may seem that I am bitter, hurt, scarred ( well maybe a little):  I AM NOT.  Refer back to my Lioness post.  I thank Him everyday for all that I have.  And what I have today and everyday is peace.   And yes, in case you’re wondering, I pray for the both of them everyday.  I pray they find what they both are looking for, I pray they both find their peace.

Thank you Kesha for a beautiful and powerful song.  May we all find the strength to forgive, give peace and pray for someone who needs it more than ourselves.

The Seven Dwarfs…

The Seven Dwarfs of Sickness that live in the Land of Flemm.

I’ve been quite under the weather recently and considering my previous “ale-ments”, I haven’t felt much like doing anything.  With enough metal in my liver to set off any metal or imaging detector, I really do need to be careful what I put into my body.  This includes Over-The-Counter medicines.  So when I do get sick, which has been almost non-existent these last 2 years, probably based on the amount of medicine’s that were pumped into my body, this sickness will take hold like a baby Three-Toed Sloth holding onto its mother’s body for dear life.

As I was feeling quite better, not 100%, and quite frankly not 75%, I decided it was time to get up and move a little bit.  Clean up as it were around the house.  I do live alone with my 2 beautiful cats and one rather very stubborn Red Bone Coon Hound.  All 3 are rescue animals.  Colonel Vaynne, Garibaldi, and Redd, respectively.

Not to bore you with the mundane chores of the morning, but when I’m done with those I sit down at my computer and plan my day, read my emails, decide what’s important, what can wait, and start tackling things.  Today’s biggest challenge was getting my bills paid.  Any writer will tell you that staying focused is key.  However, this morning, something I read sparked this next post.

So without further adieu, I present to you the Seven Dwarfs From the Land of Flemm.    In no particular order.

SNEEZY:  I think we all know him.  He’s the one that sneaks up on you, comes out of nowhere and the next thing you know, your eyes are closed, head is bobbing and weaving like a car dash mounted bobble head and you’re going, “oh my goodness, where did THAT come from?”  However, the other Sneezy I’ve been dealing with is the one that you can feel, way down low, deep in your lungs making its way up the tracks like a roller coaster, just waiting to reach the top, that moment of “is it going over or not” , the one that gives you time to hold on for dear life while you find the biggest snot rag you can find because you know this is going to be the big one, the mother of all sneezes, the one that you can finally breath again with, the one to end all sneezes only to have another one right behind it.  The even-more-evil-twin brother.  And these two have been mining in the Land of Flemm for several days.  They have mining snot carts filled with their precious treasure all to willing to share with anyone and everyone.  They’re throwing their hands full of snot like its candy coming from the elves at the Christmas Day Parade.  Just when you think its all done, all gone, and you lay back down trying to breathe again and regain some sort of composure, you realize they are not twins but octuplets all too eager to share their treasures too!

ACHEY:  This little guy is a pain in the ass.  He’s also a pain in my head, back, legs, lungs, chest, in fact it’s safe to say he’s brought the whole damn family to mine your entire body, from head to toe.  Which brings me to the next brother.

GRUMPY:  I think this little guy has spoken for himself.  Oh, did I mention he’s related very closely to the original Grumpy we all know from our childhood fairy tales.

SLEEPY:  I don’t even know where to begin with him.  He’s the one you want more than anything else in the world right now.  That peaceful little guy, with his dreamy eyes, that you pray for.  And at this point you’ll pray to any deity on earth just to let him in.  I don’t know where he went.  All I can picture is the other six got together, had a closed meeting and decided he’s off the island!  Either that or the Gnomes kidnapped him and is holding him hostage.  This is now where I have to introduce DOPEY because it appears I can’t even think straight.  I just had to reread what I had written several times only to delete it all together because none of it was making sense!  Oh the expletives I would love to use right about now!

ICKY:  This is the little man who can’t make up his mind if he’s too hot or too cold.  Fever or no fever.  Chills or no chills.  Sweats or no sweats. And I’m not talking about the clothing I’ve been living in for the last 6 days.  I feel like he’s running rampant through my body just opening and closing doors and windows.  The little guy has eaten the wrong “shroom” somewhere along the way and is now experiencing home-grown, drug-induced, dwarf-like paranoia!  Can’t you just picture him?  This little “f*****g” dwarf half dressed, half naked, shouting all kinds of obscenities and phrases that make no sense at all, opening and closing doors, looking like a beady eyed little roach, scurrying through my body looking for who knows what, yelling, laughing, giggling, then as quick as it started he stops with the look and stare of Cheech and Chong lounging in Frank Zappa’s garage exchanging thoughts and ideas as if they were philosophy professors arguing about Schrodinger’s Cat!!!  WTF!!!

And who’s missing from all this mayhem?

DOC

This little bitch has been on a sabbatical.  He’s decided to climb the Himalayan Mountains and explore the Tibetan Monks and their way of life.  I think he’s decided to give up the traditional form of western medicine along with his PhD. all together to explore the many other forms of medicine provided by Mother Nature.  Let’s just hope he doesn’t sample any of the wrong mushrooms or lick any red toads while he’s out exploring.

 

Rejoice… not celebrate

Grateful

In approximately 1 1/2 hours, I will be rejoicing in my 2 years of sobriety.  I say rejoice because to celebrate would mean that I would be letting the whole “world” come celebrate with me.  But to rejoice means that I am quietly taking delight in my own sobriety.  I know, I know, I’m posting about it!  Is that considered an oxymoron?

It has been, by far, the worst and best 2 years of my life.  The first year was spent in the hospital.  4 surgeries, 15 procedures and countless hours of pain, frustration, drugs and battling our failed healthcare system. And I haven’t even touched on the dollar amount!

And let’s not forget the scars that were left physically on my body along with the emotional scars.  Just to give you an idea… they removed my gull bladder, my appendix, part of my intestine, part of my colon and my left Fallopian tube.  And don’t get me started on the liver and kidney issue!

Did I mention I now have a metal stent in my liver?  Oh, and the only way to have any decent energy level would be a transplant!

I actually drank for more than twice my age.  But I am no different than many others like me, fighting the battles and demons on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis.

These past 2 years however have been the best 2 years of my entire life.  I can not even begin to express the gratitude and love that is in my heart.  I actually have a wonderful relationship with my 3 adult children that I did not have before.  I have a wonderful relationship with my granddaughter.  I found the courage and strength to tell my in-significant other, who continued to drink, to get out.  I even took myself off the oxy’s because I knew they were killing me.  Oh, the withdrawal from those bad boys.

Did I do this alone?  Oh hell nooo!

And for that I am grateful to the many people who have come into my life.  I would say I chose to get sober, but the honest truth is that had I not gotten sick (divine intervention) I believe I would still be drinking.

Amy Robach said, “Tell your story.  It may save someone’s life.”  So, that ‘s what I’m doing.  I’m writing my story.  Bits and pieces here but mostly in a book.  It’s a long story.

My point being, I am grateful for everything I have.  And on this 2 year anniversary, THANK YOU!  to all that have helped me.  I could not have done it alone!

And to those still struggling, know that there is someone out there that knows, that cares and wants to help.  It’s ok to ask for help, even if you don’t know how.  Just reach out.  We are here for you.

God Bless

C