One Dollar.

First Dollar

It may seem silly.  Yes, that is a true $1 Dollar Bill.  Why am I posting it, you may ask?

Well, the answer is simple yet very complicated.

Simple Answer:  I earned it.  About 1000 of them. Writing.

Complicated Answer:  There are people out there, my “haters”, who feel they can put me down or at least try to make themselves feel better by posting negative things on social media. And that’s the lesson here, hidden, very carefully:  ONLY I CAN GIVE THEM THAT POWER.  OR CHOOSE NOT TOO.

Here’s the backstory.

A few weeks ago, after I thought what was finally enough of the “X”, I went snooping.  Big mistake.  I knew when I was typing her name that I should just stop.

“Don’t do it Christine.”

That practical, logical, nice girl sitting on my shoulder was giving me that look.  You know the one.  The look that every woman has that says, “You know I’m right!” But I found myself still typing.

And there it was.  Just a few posts down.  She found my business page.  Damn!

All it said was, “Writer’s a la Mode.  Yeah, right.  First you gotta be a writer.”

I had so many thoughts going through my head.  Most of them not nice.  In fact, down right evil.  I mean thoughts that would have gotten me thrown into jail.

I hate this woman with such a passion.  She has done so much to my life over the last 6 years.  She has known everything about me that can only be shared from someone close to me.  She knows things that only my then-husband and family would know.  And there in lies the problem.

It’s not her.

And it’s not him.

I made the mistake.  I kept him too long.  I should have kicked his ass out YEARS ago. It was me.  I was the weak one.  I was the one who couldn’t find the strength to get past all this.  I was the one who LET her have the power and control.

So last week, on Halloween, I proudly took that check to the bank, asked the very nice man behind the counter if I could cash a dollar from the check and if you could please make it a clean crisp one, that would be awesome.  He was more than happy to oblige.  He even asked if it was new enough.

So there it is.  That clean, crisp, beautiful dollar I EARNED!  As you can see, I have it pinned.  On my Vision Board.  Just one step closer to my goal.

Every day do something to get there.

“Nothing changes if nothing changes.”

Don’t let others control your attitude.

Find the strength to conquer EVERYTHING!

Find your happy.

And make every day count!

Christine

P.S.  I no longer “hate” this woman.  It’s not her fault she hasn’t found her happiness and peace yet.  She obviously has self esteem issues.  I do pray for her everyday.  Think she’ll find this blog?  Think she’ll find the strength to look for something different?  I can only pray that she does, someday.  Before it’s too late.

 

Praying by Kesha

Praying

I may not post as much as I should, or would like to, but when I do, I want it to mean something.  I want you, the reader, to be impacted.  I want you to stop in your tracks, stop what you’re doing and just breathe.  And maybe say a wow or two.

I heard this song today;  Praying by Kesha.  Go to the video here on youtube and just listen to the words.  They made an impact on me.  So much so, I created the above picture.  Please feel free to share, with everyone.

To the man that hurt me, and his (homewrecking?) girlfriend, I  am already coming out on top.  “People that try to bring you down are below you for a reason.”

What I want you to know is that no matter how much this may seem that I am bitter, hurt, scarred ( well maybe a little):  I AM NOT.  Refer back to my Lioness post.  I thank Him everyday for all that I have.  And what I have today and everyday is peace.   And yes, in case you’re wondering, I pray for the both of them everyday.  I pray they find what they both are looking for, I pray they both find their peace.

Thank you Kesha for a beautiful and powerful song.  May we all find the strength to forgive, give peace and pray for someone who needs it more than ourselves.

Rejoice… not celebrate

Grateful

In approximately 1 1/2 hours, I will be rejoicing in my 2 years of sobriety.  I say rejoice because to celebrate would mean that I would be letting the whole “world” come celebrate with me.  But to rejoice means that I am quietly taking delight in my own sobriety.  I know, I know, I’m posting about it!  Is that considered an oxymoron?

It has been, by far, the worst and best 2 years of my life.  The first year was spent in the hospital.  4 surgeries, 15 procedures and countless hours of pain, frustration, drugs and battling our failed healthcare system. And I haven’t even touched on the dollar amount!

And let’s not forget the scars that were left physically on my body along with the emotional scars.  Just to give you an idea… they removed my gull bladder, my appendix, part of my intestine, part of my colon and my left Fallopian tube.  And don’t get me started on the liver and kidney issue!

Did I mention I now have a metal stent in my liver?  Oh, and the only way to have any decent energy level would be a transplant!

I actually drank for more than twice my age.  But I am no different than many others like me, fighting the battles and demons on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis.

These past 2 years however have been the best 2 years of my entire life.  I can not even begin to express the gratitude and love that is in my heart.  I actually have a wonderful relationship with my 3 adult children that I did not have before.  I have a wonderful relationship with my granddaughter.  I found the courage and strength to tell my in-significant other, who continued to drink, to get out.  I even took myself off the oxy’s because I knew they were killing me.  Oh, the withdrawal from those bad boys.

Did I do this alone?  Oh hell nooo!

And for that I am grateful to the many people who have come into my life.  I would say I chose to get sober, but the honest truth is that had I not gotten sick (divine intervention) I believe I would still be drinking.

Amy Robach said, “Tell your story.  It may save someone’s life.”  So, that ‘s what I’m doing.  I’m writing my story.  Bits and pieces here but mostly in a book.  It’s a long story.

My point being, I am grateful for everything I have.  And on this 2 year anniversary, THANK YOU!  to all that have helped me.  I could not have done it alone!

And to those still struggling, know that there is someone out there that knows, that cares and wants to help.  It’s ok to ask for help, even if you don’t know how.  Just reach out.  We are here for you.

God Bless

C

I feel like an A$$, and this feels like a bribe…

Donkey

I am currently separated.  I consider “him” my IN-significant other.  And before you judge me or my words know that I have been abused by him mentally, verbally, spiritually and yes, physically.  For 6 years.  We’ll save my reasons for later.  I can be and have been the bigger, better person.  I excused him of his duties back in April.  All I asked was that he get his things and get out.  I asked for a few more things from my Higher Power, but that’s for another post.  My point being that, I did not want to ask for money from him.  And I have stuck to my guns.  (Pride:  another “dirty” word to be discussed in a different post.)  I did however mention that if he had a few dollars to spare, I would not say no to receiving this wonderful gift he would be so willing to just hand over to me.  Can you “hear” the sarcasm?  Well, this afternoon he came to my home and gave me some cash, from a big wad he was holding.  As much as I would have been very grateful for any amount, I would soon realize that the “golden” carrot would soon come with a bigger “payout” and a string attached.  After a few moments of thought, and I always do the right thing, I took the money and agreed to sign the divorce papers.  After taking the money to the bank, hey, I got bills too, and agreeing to the divorce, I found myself second guessing my decision.  Do I really want him back?  Do I really want that type of person in my life?  Can I really achieve all my hopes and dreams on my own?  I taught my (now adult) children to be independent shouldn’t I continue to set an example for them?  The answer has already been stated:  Do the Right Thing!           Christine