One year and a week. That’s how much time has passed …
since the last time I saw my (IN)significant other as the man I married 6 years ago this July.
The way I saw him then is completely different than how I see him now. What changed you ask. A LOT! Actually, the only one thing that changed is me. I changed. I changed in how I “see” him, I changed in how I view life, and I changed in how, most importantly, I live my life.
It hasn’t been easy, by any stretch of the means. In fact, it’s been quite rough. But I made it through. I survived. And I came out better for it.
A year ago, I finally had enough of his bullshit and I kicked him out of my home. Enough of his lying, cheating, narcissistic, psychopathic ways.
I could write a book, which I am, on all the different ways he’s hurt me. If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you’ll know.
But the whole reason I started this blog was to let you know; you’re not alone and that if you put a little effort into “it”, whatever “it” is, you can make it in this world.
I decided to put my big girl panties on. I went back to school. And it was wonderful! I can’t even tell you why I did. I’m already a great writer, a published writer even! But I did it.
I was determined to get good grades. I achieved high A’s in both of my classes and as of this writing I will be starting class No. 3 in a day.
I had a vision.
When I decided to go back to school, I was a little lost. Ok, a lot lost. I didn’t know what I was going to do without this man in my life, without the income, without the person I thought I loved in my life.
But the strangest thing happened.
After finishing those 2 classes (and one was math, ugh!) I realized something.
For the first time in my life it didn’t matter that he wasn’t there. I DID it! I survived all his abuse. And I’m the one that came out better for it.
Would you like to know where he is in life? Homeless, supposedly no jobs and no friends. No life!
And on those days, when I feel sorry for myself or feel down in the dumps or want to crawl under a rock…
How wonderful my life truly is. I am so much better now than I was before. And even more than that,
As is typical to my OCD nature, and today being the last day of this year, I spent this morning getting my new calendar ready for 2019. Things like my kids birthdays, my granddaughters birthday and the dates and times I need to have my posts published for the customers I currently have.
I write a lot on my monthly pages. Mostly short “to-do”‘s, but a few notes here and there. Like the things that made an impact on my life for the year. Some positive, some negative.
Being the new, sober Christine, I thought I would take the opportunity this morning to go through those notes. Boy, was I surprised.
Once I saw all these notes, I realized how great my life truly is. But more importantly, to be grateful for what I do have.
I thought I would share with you my year and it’s lesson’s learned.
January: My estranged husband made a, albeit stupid, comment about the fact that if he had to buy me a car, he would be choosing the vehicle. Being the stubborn “hunky” that I am, I decided no effin way! So I started working with my eldest son helping him with his company. I saved as much as I could.
Lesson Learned? Persevere!
February: I bought that truck! A beautiful 2-seater, 2002 Mazda B-2500. All Manual. And I mean ALL. From the shifting to the windows. But it was mine, and I paid for it with MY money.
Lesson Learned? Work Hard and You Can Have It.
March: Started my Vision Board. If you don’t know about it, read The Secret or anything about the Law of Attraction. Between that, my AA meetings, being called an “AA Bitch” and reading and learning everything I could, I made a conscience decision that I had had enough of the life I was living. It was time to make changes. And did I make them; major ones.
Lesson Learned? Determination. (although my family may call it “hard-headed.”)
April: On April 19th, Redd, (no, I did not name him) the Red Bone Coon Hound joined my family. He is a rescue dog and about 1 1/2 years old. Ten days later, I said goodbye to the estranged husband. I’d be lying if I said it was easy. I’d be lying if I said I no longer loved him. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss him. But he had become toxic for me. It had become an extremely unhealthy relationship. Well, quite honestly, he was never right. He was just “right then”. Being able to admit that was difficult. But here I am, yelling it to the “world”. But, every person enters our life for a reason. He came into my world to be my caretaker. I will never take away the fact that as I spent that year in the hospital, he took care of me and our home and animals. Yes, he may have cheated, lied, stole, and who knows what else, but when I needed someone to wipe my ass, or change my colostomy bag, or take me to doctors and hospitals, he was there. In hindsight, “kicking him out” was the best thing I could have done. For both of us.
Lesson Learned? As much as we may fear the unknown, follow through.
May: I lost a very dear and close friend. He was also an alcoholic survivor of 30-some years. Unfortunately, the too-many years of drinking did finally take a toll on him and his body. On May 25th, just a few short hours after I left his side for the final time, and his Higher Power had made His final arrangement for his Homecoming, Lou left this world. Rest in Peace, my friend.
Lesson Learned? Cherish those people that enter your life, and learn the lesson for their visit, whether short or long.
June: Status Quo. Nothing special, nothing outstanding.
Lesson Learned? Enjoy the serenity and the peace of the moment. For the storm may be coming.
July: Had an epiphony! Actually, it’s quite funny. I was in the bathroom, doing “bathroom” things, when the thought just hit me. I’ll go back to school. By this point, with the “husband” out of the picture and I was no longer working for my son and funds getting quite tight, I knew I needed to do something. My whole life I have had visions of being a writer. And with the whole “hospital” ordeal, I knew I needed to write a book. If I could help just one person… So I started getting things together. Once again, I had focus, vision, a plan. I figured I’m a single, white woman on disability, how hard could it be to get financial aid. That was the easy part. I was doing everything I could to be able to start in the fall. But, ahhh, my Higher Power had other plans for me.
Lesson Learned? Follow Your Dreams!
August: 2 years sober! Whoo Hoo!
Lesson Learned? It’s Never too Late to Learn Something New.
September: I’m sitting at my desk on a Sunday morning, reading and learning about copywriting. At this point, since school was going to be a little delayed, I needed to start getting some sort of income coming in. Then my phone starts going off. Text after text after text. WTF! Long story short, it’s her. The GF. Texting me that he was coming back home. Knowing all that I know about her, texting back is not an option. I needed to remain, as I had done in the past, the bigger better person. Do not stoop to her level. Of course, I’m thinking no way is he coming back. I had just finally gotten my life back on track. But an hour or so after the text tirade, he’s on my front porch, begging to come back home. This time, THIS TIME, there are rules. I stuck to my guns. “1. You’re just a roommate. 2. You will pay rent. 3. This is my house, my rules. 4. And you will not treat any of us as if we are second class citizens. You will be a guest in my house. This little world of mine no longer revolves around YOU! You will not step a foot into my house till you agree and follow these rules. Is that understood?” If ever a man could have a tail between his legs, this was it. The only reason I did any of this was really for my own selfish (monetary) reasons. But I figured for all the abuse he put me through, it was now my turn. I remained completely distant in all my words and actions. I had to keep reminding myself that he was only a roommate. I even made him sleep in a different room. He had stated that this time it was only temporary. That he would be moving back to North Carolina to be with his son and grand-kids. He would only being staying here till Thanksgiving. I figured since I tolerated his BS for 6 years, a few months would be a piece of cake. And between you and me, him leaving Florida and being with people that loved him, would be the best thing for him. I would soon realize you really can’t change a leopard’s spots.
Lesson Learned? Stay Strong. Be Quiet and Smarter.
October: An unfortunate opportunity presented itself. The Hurricane devastated the East Coast, including the Carolina’s. So instead of waiting till Thanksgiving, there was no time like the present for him to head North and begin his new life. I did everything I could to help him make this transition. He’s a handyman, and quite frankly, his work is exemplary, unfortunately his people skills and management skills SUCK! But North he went. He made contacts up there before-hand. Had a placed lined up, even work was ready to go for him when he got there. So in the early morning of October 6th, he was on the road. Needless to say, as much as I thought he was truly out of my life for good, except for the money he would send my way, I still heard from him. Almost regularly. And, of course, they were all lies. On Monday, October 15th, at about 5 in the afternoon, guess who was on my door step again? Eight days. He could only last 8 days. Once again, he thought he would have a free ride. He had told the people he was staying with that he would work from 7 – 7 to get the job done. They told me he was home by 1-2 in the afternoon, drinking. (There’s those leopard spots). So as he’s begging and pleading with me, once again, to move back into my home, the answer was easy and clear: NO!!! I think you can pretty much guess where he went.
Lesson Learned? A person can only change if they truly want to.
November: I got my business up and going, Writer’s a la Mode. I’m writing, I’m happy and I even have a few clients. But then this…
2003 BMW 745I
There’s a long story behind this gift from my youngest son. Basically, we traded vehicles. He has my truck and I drive this. But this vehicle used to belong to the eSTRANGEd one. He insisted on buying it back in April after I kicked him out. I had told him the previous year that we couldn’t afford this car. But he went ahead and bought it anyway once we were separated. Because of all his poor choices, or maybe it’s Karma, he needed to get his money back and let this car go. So my youngest son took it off his hands. He drove it for a little while, cleaned it up, did some repairs to it, and then one beautiful day, he says as he’s handing me the keys, “Here, Mom, this is for you.” No words could ever express my love, gratitude and blessings for my son and his wisdom. Thank you.
December: Well, here it is, the end of the year, and a lot of things didn’t work out like I wanted them too. I feel like I am as broke as hell, and quite frankly, I am glad Christmas is over. I am really looking forward to the coming year. 2019 is going to be my year! I will have more customers, I will get this house the way it’s supposed to be, I will start class in January, I will graduate by the end of the year, I will be able to rely solely on my own, and I will have a great Christmas for my kids and granddaughter next year. I will follow my own path. I will make choices that are best for me, and most of all, I will stay S.A.S.S.I.!!!
In case you’ve been wondering, I have been on a quest. A Treasure Hunt of sorts.
Back in November, I put up my last post regarding my new business. I have been working diligently to get my website up and going, my thoughts down on paper, reorganizing everything and getting ready for the new year.
I will be blogging and posting both work and personal on a regular basis.
I have my topics ready to go, headlines are in the works and projects on the “stove top”.
I even managed to turn a bedroom into my full-blown writing room, complete with my cat Garibaldi, and my forever loyal fur buddy Redd by my side. Pictures will be forthcoming. They are all rescue animals.
I have also been dealing with a bout of depression. This Christmas was not as nice for my kids as I would have liked. But true to their nature and hopefully upbringing, they have bigger hearts than I sometimes give them credit for.
So, No, I did not fall off the earth, I did not fall into a black abyss. However, I did have a few loving friends and family that gave me the proverbial kick in the ass.
The treasure I received this giving season is the gift of family. And to them I say, thank you, for not giving up on me, for having faith in my newest endeavor, and for loving me in all my fucked up glory!
So to all of you, I wish you a very Happy New Year!